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Earnest Angsley:
To be HAYELED!
in the name o'Jayeeezus!
Marcus Antonius:
The evil that
chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.
Any Philosophy
101 Professor:
Why not?
Any Calculus Professor:
The road, if
expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1) is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1)
as (x2-x1) -> 0, is represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of
the road with respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken
may be assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values
of roads.
Jane Austen:
Because it is
a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being posessed
of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.
Aristotle:
To actualize
its potential.
Neil Armstrong:
One small step
for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.
Arthur, King of
the Britons:
What do you mean?
African or European chickens?
Paul Atreidies:
What name have
you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road? That shall be the
name that you shall call me!
Lord Baden-Powell:
Because as a
Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.
Bilbo Baggins:
Oh what I wouldn't
give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole! I hope I never have to
lay eyes on such a thing as that chicken again!
Baldrick:
It had a cunning
plan.
The Band:
To take a load
off....
The Bandit, in
The Treasure of The Sierra Madre:
"Chickens? Chickens?
We don't need no stinkin' chickens!"
Clive Barker:
He was drawn
to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him.
And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only
with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom
reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating
him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape.
He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.
Roseanne Barr:
Urrrrrp.
What chicken?
The Beatles:
To be free as
a bird!
Lavrenti Beria
(ex-head of the KGB):
This is a State
Secret -- we have informants everywhere.
Bill The Cat
Ack. Thpppbt
Blackadder:
Queenie: Because I told it to.
Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green
Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!
Lucien Bouchard:
So that it could
be SEPARATE!
Ben Bova:
To be reunited
with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time
Brisco (Law and
Order):
For A Bagel
Bruce, Bruce,
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce:
To grab a Fosters
and get away from the poofters!
Buddha:
If you ask this
question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Archie Bunker:
I don't care
what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the
street!
Bugs Bunny: What's up, cluck?
Robert Burns:
Fair Fa Your
Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Chicken Race The blackened road
'ahind ye said Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!
George Bush:
If it did it
was out of the loop
George Bush: (again)
It could see
the thousand points of headlights....
Rhett Butler:
Frankly my dear,
it didn't give a damn!
C3PO (1):
Sir, may I remind
you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken
has not... shutting up, sir.
C3PO (2):
Sir, according
to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road
are 3,750 to 1 against.
Caesar:
It came, it saw,
it crossed.
Joseph Campbell:
In primitive
cultures, we can find many such examples of the chicken motif that cannot
be dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old
Navajo legend in which a buffalo crosses a stream to "come" to the other
side -- an obvious negative language devised to prepare tribesmen for a
transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believe in savanaya, or
a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical
interpretation, we are led to realize that all examples suggest an attainable
higher state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's ubermench, or superman,
as outlined in his novel "Thus Spoke Zarathustra."
Albert Camus:
Seeing that an
indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would
be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it
was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely
up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination
and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out
of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.
Candide:
To cultivate
its garden.
Johnny Carson:
Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm...
Ed McMahon:
How cold was it?
Johnny Carson:
It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep
to get wool for sweaters!
Raymond Chandler:
Across these
mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither
tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He
must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken.
He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct,
by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying
it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken
for any world.
Charlie X:
Because it didn't
want to
STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY...
Cheech (or Chong):
Just to be there,
man.
The Chicken:
I am crossing
the road to block traffic as a protest
against ..."
(thump).
Commander Chikotay:
I'm not sure
but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.
Noam Chomsky:
To manufacture
consent
Tom Clancy:
The Mark 84 gargleblaster
that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet
excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry
out its mission from this side of the road.
John Cleese From
Fawlty Towers:
Manuel from Barcelona:
"Que?"
Basil: "You know,
a chicken crossing the road...."
Manuel: "Que?"
Basil:
[looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..."
Manuel: interrupting,
"No, No we out of chicken.."
* WHAP!!*
John Cleese:
Because it was
very silly.
John Cleese: (again)
This isn't a
chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed
out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.
John Cleese: (#3)
This Chicken
is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace.
It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up
daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's
bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil
and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.
Bill Clinton:
What?
Bill Clinton (again):
The chicken was
persuaded to cross the road by the Democratic congress. It is now
returning to the middle of the road
Joseph Conrad:
Mistah Chicken,
he dead.
John Constantine:
Because it'd
made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd
better get out right quick.
Alastair Cooke:
Good Evening,
and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the epic British
drama "How The Chicken Went," based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T. Poultry,
and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick. Starring Susan Hampshire
as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant diner,
Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the mores and morality of
a society in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of crossing
the road to meet their fate at the hands of the monied upper classes,
regardless of their own ambitions or desires...
Shiela Copps (Deputy
Prime Minister of Canada):
BECAUSE I SCREAMED
AT IT REAL LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheila Copps:
Okay, I know
that the chicken promised it would cross the road if the Liberals failed
to eliminate the GST, but it was a stupid promise to make and the chicken
deeply regrets ever making it. However, the chicken will not be crossing
the road because to do so would cost tax payers $500,000.
Sheila Copps (a
few days later):
Alright! Alright!
The chicken will cross
the road like
it promised. But it'll be right back again. Now leave me
alone.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well
have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.
An historic, unprecendented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such
an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians
is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jacques Ives Cousteau:
Zee cheecken,
unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses zee street. Weezout
warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance of zee nature ees maintained.
Stephen R. Covey:
When the chicken
and the road can work together for the win-win, the result is synergy!
Jean Cretien,
Prime Minister of Canada:
"It wasn't a
chicken, you know, it was an Inuit carving of a loon. But the RCMP should
have been there anyway..."
Aleister Crowley:
Because it was
its True Will to do so.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Stephanie Daniels:
It was the turtle's
day off.
Darwin:
It was the logical
next step after coming down from
the trees.
Commander Data:
I do not know.
Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data points relating to
chickens and roads, there is no possitive correlation between the two.
W. Edwards Demming:
But is one chicken
crossing one road of statistical importance? Only once we have established
an historical baseline of chickens with respect to roads, with calculated
upper and lower control limits, can we make that determination.
Arthur Dent:
Are you sure
the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of
contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing
the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent
can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Rene Descartes:
It had sufficient
reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Descartes (again):
The chicken was
merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the
universe.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could
not stop for death.
Bob Dole:
Do you know that
before that chicken had gotten across the road, its cellular phone was
ringing and there was a lawyer on the other end asking if it would like
to sue the city for not putting up a traffic light.
Bob Dylan:
How many roads
must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?
E.T.: Chicken, phone home
Ecclesiastes (1):
For every fowl,
there is a season. A time for garlic, a time for sage...
Ecclesiastes (2):
This bird is
meaningless.
Wyatt Earp:
Well, chicken,
are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?
Eeyore: If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken
crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame
of reference.
T.S. Eliot:
It's not that
they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
Harlan Ellison:
Because he had
no beak and must scream.
Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager: Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross
the road; it transcended it.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Basil Fawlty:
Oh, don't mind
that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
Sybil Fawlty:
BASIL! Why is
there a CHICKEN in my hotel?
Dr. Johnny Fever:
To escape from
the Phone Cops!
Fiver (from Watership
Down):
Don't you see
it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire...
THE CHICKENS! DON'T YOU SEE THE CHICKENS?
Gerald R. Ford:
It probably fell
from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward
momentum.
Sigmund Freud:
The chicken obviously
was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign
was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
Robert Frost:
To cross the
road less traveled by.
Barney Fyfe:
Now Andy, let
me tell you a thing or two about chickens. Chickens cross roads in those
other counties, but not here in Mayberry. No chicken crosses no roads in
Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing about it!
Gandalf:
O chicken, do
not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue
sauce.
Bill Gates:
For the money
Frank Bunker Gilbereth:
To minimize its
therbligs
Jim Gillis:
The chicken crossed
the road
to show the gophers
it could be done.
Newt Gingrich:
To get to the
RIGHT side of the road.
Newt Gingrich
(again):
The chicken had
to cross the road, because, bogged down by the incredible debt burden,
it was no longer able to fly.
Newt Gingrich
(III):
It was safety
pinned to one of those damn punk rockers!
Ira Glasser (ACLU):
The chicken maintains
an absolute privacy interest in information as to whether or why
he or she may have perambulated the thoroughfare.
Johann Wolfgang
v. Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle
made it do it.
Sir Charles Grandiose:
As surely as
the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely as the sands drift silently
through the slender neck of the hourglass, the last sunny days of summer
flee soundlessly under autumn's chilly embrace. And with those last days
of that warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road's edge
the sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see
Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne,
(All-around Public-School
Cad): That's not a chicken! It's a clever disguise, inside of which is
Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarity.....
Gary Gygax:
Because I rolled
a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon
Master's Guide.
Hamlet:
Because 'tis
better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance
than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.
Thomas Hardy:
The road was
black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the bright red mark
on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure
chicken and it was doomed.
Mike Harris, (Premier
of Ontario):
Like evrything
else in this province, it was facing the axe.
Paul Harvey:
And now... page
two... a chicken... attempts to cross... the street... yes... the street...
and is... run down by a... Buick! The Buick Roadmaster with it's powerful
perfomance and elegant style! Yes... that poor chicken... hit by the Buick...
it's true... it's... true... and speaking of true... your local True Value
Hardware Store...
Hegel:
Only through
the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend
the experience of crossing.
Robert Heinlein:
Because with
the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility
to do so.
Robert Heinlein
(again):
The more widely
dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term
prospects for the survival of the chicken species.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure
which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very
fast.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die.
In the rain.
Hippocrates:
Because of an
excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Doug Hofstadter:
To seek explication
of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping
of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.
Sherlock Holmes:
It crossed the
road because it was going to catch a train at Victoria Station at
3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that? Observe, Watson, the patina
of dust on the chicken's feathers, which indicates that it had been spending
time in a library, reading about Scotland. And observe also that it was
humming "Bonnie Lassie" as it waited to cross. Finally, and most important,
observe the train ticket marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing,
and the fact that Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street,
and finally that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15....
David Hume:
Out of custom
and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked
act of rebellion and we were
quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca:
It found a better
car, which was on the other side of the
road.
Dr. Jack Van Impe:
Well you see,
here's the really exciting part, if we were to look at Revelation 17:3
we will see that the Whore of Babylon rides on a scarlet beast. A scarlet
beast! What this means is a Rhode Island Red. And the truly glorious thing
is that this beast, this Rhode Island Red, this CHICKEN has crossed the
road EXACTLY as was prophesized in the Bible and this is all a sign, Revelation
17:3, that we're living in the End Time. Hallelujah! And if you would like
more information on the significance of this chicken crossing the road
as all part of God's great plan then send me $50 and you will recieve this
set of video tapes along with a copy of my recent book "Chickens: fowl
beast, or foul beast?".
John Paul Jones:
It has not yet
begun to cross!
Carl Jung:
The confluence
of events in the cultural gesalt necessitated that individual chickens
cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously
brought such
occurences into
being.
Franz Kafka:
Dieter, now in
the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine.
The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its
victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant
life.
Immanuel Kant:
The pure transcendental
concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence
on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself,
while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting
towards some end allowed by Reason.
Casey Kasem:
And now here's
a hot new number from a hot young band whose drummer was so tragically
killed in a freeway accident, it's The Hen House Flock singing "When You
Gonna Crow?" hitting the charts at number 23!
JFK:
The chicken chose
to cross the road in this decade not because it was
easy, but because
it was hard.
Obi Wan Kenobi:
To follow old
obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.
Jack Kerouac:
The chicken hipster,
high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the bird) Parker, strolled
aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.
Soren Kierkegaard:
The chicken is
dead. The road is nothing.
Colonel Kilgore:
"I love the smell
of chickens in the morning"
Martin Luther
King:
It had a dream.
James Tiberius
Kirk:
To boldly go
where no chicken has gone before.
Ralph Klein:
Because we gave
it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.
Mark Knophler:
How come Chickens
got Industrial Disease?
Mark Lane:
There is new,
irrefutable evidence that the chicken did
not act alone.
Gary Larson:
Don't ask me.
I am retired.
Stan Laurel:
I'm sorry, Ollie.
It escaped when I opened the run.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's
the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it
take.
John Le Carre:
Because it knew,
at the core of its being where none could ever reach, that its only course
of action now that its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip away
into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley came, accompanied by
his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking questions for which there could
never be answers.
Dr. Hannibal Lector:
So I could eat
its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti .......thththththththth.
Leda:
Are you sure
it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing,
you know.
Foghorn Leghorn:
To get to that
damn Dawg, Boah!
Gottfried Von
Leibniz:
In this best
possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
Vladimir Lenin:
It is not the
chicken's road. It is the PEOPLE'S road!
David Letterman:
And the No. 1
reason - fricasee!
Rush Limbaugh:
Beacuse of those
damn bleeding heart liberals, trying to
save one stupid
bird while thousands of jobs are being lost.
Dave Lister:
Because of the
smegging space corps directives.
Any Late Evening
News Anchor:
The chicken crosses
the road. Film at 11:00.
Abraham Lincoln:
Fourscore and
seven eggs ago, our forefeathers...
Logan (Law and
Order):
To buy a plaid
tie
Jack London:
To answer the
call of the wild.
H.P. Lovecraft:
To futilely attempt
escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after
the stuff of its soul!
George Lucas:
Because the Force
was with it.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects
will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage
to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the
strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such
a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Marvin (the
paranoid android):
"Here I am, brain
the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road?
I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical
inevitability.
Karl Marx (again):
To escape the
bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Groucho Marx:
Chicken?
What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought
he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the
eggs.
Groucho Marx (again):
This morning
I shot a chicken in my pyjamas -- and lemme tell ya, that chicken ran out
of my pyjamas in a second!
Jackie Mason:
Whaddaya want,
it should just stand there?
Perry Mason:
Cross the road
you say? But how can you be sure? No one else would have known
the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!
Dr. McCoy:
How should I
know? Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not an ornithologist!
Marshall McLuhan:
The Road is the
Medium. The chicken is the Message!
Gregor Mendel:
To get various
strains of roads.
A.A. Milne: I imagine that if I thought very hard I shouold come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)
John Milton:
To justify the
ways of God to men.
Indigo Montoya:
It too pursues
a man with six fingers on his left hand.
Michael Moriarity:
To annoy Janet
Reno.
Jim Morrison:
To break on thruough
to the other side, I am the chicken king
Ralph Nader:
A chicken on
a road is unsafe at any speed
Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest
tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored)
wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Nietzsche:
Because if you
gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Col. Oliver North:
I do not recall
any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurences.
Peter Norton:
It was a virus
and it saw me coming...
Richard Nixon:
That part of
our conversation was accidentally erased.
George Orwell:
Because Big Brother
was watching to make sure that it did cross the road, although in
its heart, the chicken never did.
Thomas Paine:
Out of common
sense.
Michael Palin:
Nobody expects
the banished inky chicken!
Emporer Palpatine:
Foolish chicken!
Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!
Dorothy Parker:
Travel, trouble,
music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed
its heart / But still they pass its time.
Patsy:
Oh, F*&%
the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.
Gen. George S.
Patton:
To get those
yellow bellied chickens outta here.
General George
S. Patton (again):
The way to win
a war is not to cross a road for you country. The way to win a war
is to make some OTHER poor chicken cross a road for HIS COUNTRY!
Wolfgang Pauli:
There already
was a chicken on the other side of the
road.
Frank Perdue:
How the heck
do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you -- don't answer that.
Marlin Perkins,
on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom:
Watch, as the
chicken mauls Jim yet again...
H. Ross Perot:
I'm crossing.
I'm not crossing....
H. Ross Perot2:
Crossing the road is that chickens primary concern!
PRIMARY concern!
H. Ross Perot3:
Chickens and
roads, I'll tell ya what it means! It means 4 trillion dollars of
dafficit, it means the end of our infrastructure, it means... look at this
chart!
H. Ross Perot4: Let me tell ya, it's all about NAFTA. This chicken represents your job, and this road represents the Mexican border...
Jean-Luc Picard:
To see what's
out there.
Jean-Luc Picard
(again):
Because it's
shields were down and it had no other options left...
Piglet: Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.
Plato:
For the greater
good.
Edgar Allan Poe:
Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"
Emily Post:
When a chicken
is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect,
turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send
a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.
Elvis Presley:
You aint nothin'
but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!
Psalms:
Yea, though I
walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no road!
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What Road?
Monty Python:
For Something
Completely Different
Dan Quayle:
"chicken" C-H-I-K-E-N
"chicken"
The Red Queen:
Who cares? Off
with it's head!
R2D2:
beep bleep be
deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!
The White Rabbit:
It was late!
Ayn Rand:
The chicken crossed
the road in order to get away from the flock that is stifling his creativity.
Ayn Rand (again):
If not for the
intransigently independent vision of that first chicken, none of the other
chickens would have been able to cross the road. And they condemned him
for his acheivement!
Ronald Reagan:
I don't recall.
What was the question?
Georg Friedrich
Riemann:
The answer appears
in Dirichlet's lectures.
Pat Riley:
The chicken
crossed the lane in less than 3 seconds, so a "fowl" should not have been
called.
Rimmer:
Aliens!!!
General Jack D.
Ripper:
To maintain the
purity of its precious bodily fluids.
Geraldo Rivera:
Stay tuned as
a panel of chickens reveals
the shocking
truth.
Tom Robbins:
Well you see,
that chicken was a special chicken who was a descendent of a parrot family
that once built pyramids for tourist pharohs. This chicken liked the other
side of the road whose shamanic whispers beckoned Anastasia, the
parrot, like the popped cherry of a ritually consumated white wedding.
That's the meaning of it all, baby!
Oral Roberts:
He couldn't raise
the $10,000,000.00 so God called him home.
Oral Roberts (again):
And I said to
the chicken:
"Put your claw
on the screen! Put your claw on the screen, upon the hand of Brother Oral,
and you shall be healed. Make a love offering of $50 or more, and then
touch the screen. And that chicken did put his claw on the screen. And
the power of God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, flowed through me and
out through that television set, and that chicken was healed *PRAISE GOD!*.
And then that chicken, stricken for so many months, rose up and walked
across the road. But, since he had forgotten his love offering, God never
warned him about the 30 ton semi barreling down on the crosswalk...."
Carl Sagan:
To see the billions
and billions of stars.
Col. Saunders:
It Ran, Suh!
I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran, Suh! So I shot
it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!
Sappho:
For the touch
of your skin, the sweetness of your lips..
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act
in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to
cross the road.
Arnold Schwarzenegger:
It was going
back...
Mr. Scott:
'Cos ma wee transporter
beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain, wi'
no dilithium crystals left to speak of!
Agent Scully:
There simply
must be a rational, scientific explanation.
Chickens don't
just "cross roads"
Neddy Seagoon:
WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?
William Shakespeare:
1: This is the
road of chicken's discontent,
Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)
2: Bring me no
more reports, let them fly all;
'Til a
chicken remove to other side of road
I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken?
Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know
All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus:
"Fear
not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen
Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)
3: If it were
done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well
It were done quickly: if the crossing
Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch,
Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers
Might be the be-all and end-all here,
But here, at this corner of street and avenue,
We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)
4: To cross, or
not to cross? That is the question,
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit
Or to take flight against a sea of motorists
And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep
No more! And by that peep to say we end
The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks
That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation
Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)
Homer Simpson:
ohhhhhhhh Chicken.....
Bart Simpson:
It's outta here,
man!
Mrs. Slocum:
Now look what
you've done, there's chicken all over my
pussy!
Kenneth Starr:
In view of President
Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry Company, the matter of the chicken
crossing the road is under investigation for its possible connection with
the Whitewater affair.
George Steinbrenner:
Because I offered
him a $4 million contract.
George Steinbrenner2:
Because I fired
him!
George Steinbrenner3:
Because he's
now my new manager.
George Steinbrenner4:
Because I fired
him again!
Dr. Suess:
See the end of
this document for the full Dr. Suess version.
Sisyphus:
Was it pushing
a rock, too?
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external
influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to
develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Mr. Spock:
It was not logical
for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the
behaviour of chickens is not logical
E.E. (Doc) Smith:
Your humble narrator
can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental
ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard
and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged,
and conquered the road for Civilization.
Socrates:
To pick up some
hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Joseph Stalin:
It was clearly
a conspiracy. Take all the chickens out and shoot them. At Once!
John Steinbeck:
The road baked
in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross.
It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged
in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other
side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and
turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade
by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.
Ben Stone (Law
and Order):
Because the defendant
made it, sir.
Oliver Stone:
He went back,
and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.
Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to
the..
Dr. Strangelove:
Because it could
not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the road-side gap.
John Sununu:
The Air Force
was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably
the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Grand Moff Tarkin:
Fear will keep
the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!
Tim "The Toolman"
Taylor:
This here bird'll
cross that road in no time flat, now that I've made a few "special modifications!
We've added the Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I've
souped up by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine - Urrgh urrgh
urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please....
Alfred, Lord Tennyson:
So that it could
sail beyond the sunset.
Old Testament:
And rooster and
hen were married. And rooster did begat
chicken.
And chicken did cross the road.
New Testament:
He among you
who has not crossed roads, let him cast the first egg!
Margaret Thatcher:
There was simply
no alternative!
Theodoric of York,
the Medievil Barber:
Because of an
imbalance of bodily humors caused by an elf or small toad living in the
chicken's stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding.
Dylan Thomas:
To not go (sic)
gentle into that good night.
Hunter S. Thompson:
Why the &*%$#@
not?
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately
... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Tiggr:
Because that's
what chickens do best!
Tiggr: (again)
That's the wonderful
thing about Chickens, Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN,
And the Wonderful
thing about Chickens Is that when crossing streets they RUN!
Tim, the Enchanter:
It's got wings
that... and a beak that... good god man, look at the bones!
Brian Tobin (new
premier of Newfoundland):
It followed the
cod....
J.R.R. Tolkein:
The chicken,
sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached
the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black
eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough
texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless
tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within
the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons
of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding
those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body;
the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes
with the chicken and I'll find out.
Anthony Trollope:
Why, to avoid
Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course.
Mark Twain:
The news of its
crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Darth Vader:
Because it could
not resist the power of the Dark Side.
Tom Waits:
...and the chicken,
decked out in Foster Grant wraparounds and Purina checkerboard slacks,
cruised across La Cienica Boulevard in a 1959 monkey-shit- brown Buick
Super, while the yellow biscuit of a buttery cue-ball moon came rolling
maverick across an obsidian sky, and why? you say? Cause that's life, and
that's what all the chickens say.
You're one one
side in April, and you're seriouly run down in May ....
George Washington:
I cannot tell
a lie. I was going to chop it with my little axe, so it crossed the
road.
Mae West:
'Cause I invited
it to come up and see me sometime.
Jerry White:
Why does a chicken
cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.
Walt Whitman:
To cluck the
song of itself.
Robert Anton Wilson:
Because agents
of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with
their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take
over the world's egg production.
Major Charles
Emerson Winchester, the Third:
What do you two-bit
quacks know about chickens? Did you learn about them in medical school,
or did you just read the comic book?
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility
of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances
came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Wittgenstein #2:
There are indeed
things that cannot be put into words. They make themselves manifest. They
are what is mystical.
Wittgenstein #3:
What we cannot
explain we must pass over in silence.
Tom Wolfe:
Kesey, muscles
rippling under his shirt, a mysterious smile on his face, surrounded by
the Merry Pranksters, placed the chicken at the road's edge. The chicken
paused
at the edge of
the road, looking this way and that, and then rending the air with a tremendous,
"ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping
uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander that, whenever
two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower tail-finned symbols of Detroit's
and America's supremacy passed, would swirl in a miniature version
of a cyclone like the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news
every evening when he's come home from work and she's setting the table
for dinner, both only half paying attention to the cyclones that devastate
midwestern cow towns on sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander,
tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr. and Mrs. America as they
move mechanically in their daily routine like the figurines in one of those
huge medieval clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in
the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed up by the "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!"
of a scampering chicken accompanied by the "skritch, skritch" of its feet.
William Wordsworth:
To have something
to recollect in tranquility.
Mr. Worf:
I do not know,
Klingon chickens do NOT cross the road.
Molly Yard:
It was a hen!
Yoda:
Crossing the
road makes not a chicken great
Henny Youngman:
Take this chicken
... please.
Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could
never reach the other side.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
**********************************************************
STAR WARS CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD
**********************************************************
Thanks to David V. Gulliver for
sending these along.
Princess Leia
(1):
Chicken?
I thought I recognized your fowl scent I was brought aboard!
Princess Leia
(2):
The tighter your
grasp, the more chickens will slip through your feathers!
Yoda:
Crossing the
road makes not a chicken great
Yoda (1):
Roads?
What know you of roads? For 800 years have I trained chickens; my
own counsel I will keep on why they cross!
Yoda (2):
This chicken,
long time have I watched. Always looking away to the crossing the
road! Never his mind on WHERE HE WAS! Allante! Hah! El
Dorado! Hmph! A chicken has not use for things such as
these
Yoda (3):
Do not under-estimate
the powers of the road, or suffer the butcher's block you will!
Luke Skywalker
(1):
But Uncle Owen,
Biggs got to go to the Academy, so did that chicken!
Luke Skywalker
(2):
You chickens
sure have a lot of rubber scoring.. you must have seen a lot of road action!
Luke Skywalker
(3):
But how am I
to know to the Good Side of the Road from the Bad?
Darth Vader (1):
Chicken?
So! You have a pet chicken! Obi-Wan was wise to hide it across
the street. Now his failure is complete! If you will
not cross to the Dark Side of the road, then perhaps IT will!
Darth Vader (2):
The circle is
now comlete. When I left you, I was a chick... Now, I am the rooster!
Han Solo:
Crossing roads
aint like dustin' crops, chicken! There's lot of precise calculations.
You could walk right into a Starrion, bounce to close to a Chevy
Nova, and that would end your trip real fast
Jabba the Hut:
I have little
use for chickens who drop their eggs at first sign of a cross-walk.
Emporer Palpatine:
Soon the hen-house
will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!
Admiral Ozzel:
Lord Vader, the
chicken has crossed the street and is preparing to... acgh! wheeze! cough!
THUD!
The Chicken:
Bawk bawk bawk
bawk bawk!
C3P0:
Oh, splendid!
We are now a part of the flock!
General Veers:
The generator
will be down in moments... you may begin egg-laying!
Admiral Piett:
Hold here.
We only have to keep the chicken from crossing. I have my orders
from the Emporer himself. He has a special barbeque planned.
George Lucas (1):
You'll have to
wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the real reason why the
chicken crossed. The whole point of the current releases, 4-6, is
the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.
George Lucas (2):
I originally
planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers on Endor, but the
AT-AT walkers kept squishing them
George Lucas (3):
The first chicken
crossing scene was underbudget and rushed, so I've used ILM's digital editors
to add several more cars and also a school bus, which has nothing
to do with story, but I thought looked really cool. The sound effects
have been bolstered by the folks at my THX studio, and now, for the
first time, you can hear the chicken scream, even though chickens don't
really scream, but the sound, I find, helps set the tone of the scene.
The chicken itself has been recreated from old footage. We had to
edit out the original road and replace it with an updated digital
road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the film, but that's
okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle of a real
superhighway,
full of the action and of the grand scale that the fans really deserve.
The chicken's blaster effects have been improved; now you can clearly
see that the Dodge shoots first, making the chicken look less like
a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed by about seven feet,
even though they were only a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw
and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill.
All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer, which is still
shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that adding any
more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see
the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the
big screen.
John Williams:
I'll have to
thoroughly research the chicken's musical background before I can compose
a road-crossing theme.
Boba Fett:
What if he doesn't
survive the crossing? He's worth a lot to me!
Darth Vader:
The Empire will
compensate you if he's squashed.
Bib Fortuna:
The chicken must
be allowed to cross!
Stormtrooper:
We don't need
to see his feathers... He's not the chicken we're looking for...
He can go about his road-crossing... Move along... Move
along...
Cantina Bartender:
We don't serve
their kind in here. Your chickens
they'll have
to wait across the street.
Greedo:
You were a good
chicken once; now you're Buick fodder!
Lando Calrissian:
Well, well...
What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you truly belong here on
my plate!
Wedge Antilles:
I've lost both
starboard engines. My fire control is out. I can't hold the
chickens off any longer!
Gene Siskel:
...and so I give
"Chicken Wars" a strong feather up!
Roger Ebert:
Gene, I couldn't
disagree more strongly...
**********************************************************
STAR TREK CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD TOO
**********************************************************
(posted to Usenet
and forwarded to me by Crackers. Thanks to Chris and to whoever put this
group together in the first place)
Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.
Neelix:
Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in
this system.
But--if you can catch it, I can cook it.
Riker: I don't know why, but I do know how: with pleasure, sir.
Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.
Odo: I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.
Quark: Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.
Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.
O'Brien: Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.
Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
V'Ger: To join with the Creator.
Sulu: To get back to San Franciso; it was born there.
Troi: It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!
Kira: I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!
Picard: Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!
Dr. Bashir: I suppose it wanted to play some darts.
The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)
Sisko: I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!
Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?
Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.
The Borg:
Crossing the road is irrelevant. It will be
assimilated.
Hugh the Borg: Maybe it wanted to be my friend.
Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.
Jake: To check out the babe that just came off that transport!
Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.
Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!
Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...
B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!
Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
Spock: Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.
HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here! I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew! All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!
Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.
Sarek: Sometimes my logic fails me where chickens are concerned.
Mr. Hom:
Dax: To
get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin
I'm sure wouldn't
have had a clue,and then there's...
Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.
Dr. Crusher: Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....
Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)
Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...
Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!
Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!
Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?
Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?
Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...
Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.
Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.
Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
Crewman in red
suit:
"Captain, this
chicken seems to have crossed the AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!
Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
And for this Dr. Suess epic, special thanks to
Chris Cracknell (ad329@freenet.hamilton.on.ca)
Dr. Suess:
Would you, could
you cross the street
On your two small
chicken feet?
I would not, could
not cross the street
On my two small
chicken feet.
Across the road
I will not scram
Even though a
fowl I am.
Would you cross
it in Japan
To flee Godzilla
and Rodan
Not in Japan
Godzilla and
Rodan
I would not,
could not cross the street
On my two small
chicken feet.
Across the road
I will not scram
Even though a
fowl I am.
Would you cross
the road and cluck
And jump to avoid
the speeding truck?
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and
Rodan
I would not,
could not cross the street
On my two small
chicken feet
Across the road
I will not scram
Even though a
fowl I am.
Would you hop
across the road
As though you
were a garden toad?
Not across the
road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and
Rodan
I would not could
not cross the street
On my two small
chicken feet.
Across the road
I will not scram
Even though a
fowl I am.
Would you cross it in the night Lit by passing car headlight?
Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the
road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and
Rodan
I would not could
not cross the street
On my two small
chicken feet.
Across the road
I will not scram
Even though a
fowl I am.
Please dear chicken
give it a try
For across the
road you can not fly.
Alright! Alright!
I'll give it a try
For it is true,
chickens can't fly.
Hey! It's not
bad, infact it's neat!
I truly love
to cross the street.
Across the road
I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road,
a fowl I am.