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2) Past Intended
Future
Not really useful
at all. But good for confusing people.
Example: I didn't
have a pay rise yet.
3) Reiterated
Past
Used for re-affirming
a past action.
Example: Yes,
I did bloody do it, did, did, did.
4) Past Confusative
Augmentative
Used for getting
a batter pay rise.
Example: I did
it Boss! Meaning: Someone else did it but I want the credit for it.
5) Past Reflexive
Removal
Used for removing
batter from one's body, placed there in the past.
Example: I want
a batter pay rise.... I've got it...
Excuse me while
I remove this batter that was placed here in example 4.
6) Present Sarcastic
Tense
Used to re-emphasise
a past deficient action by a third party.
Example: (See
example 5)
7) Past Inquisitive
Surprise
Used when someone
turns up unexpectedly, who you haven't seen for over 300 years, and has
a strange line in headgear.
Example: I didn't
expect the Spanish Inquisition.
8) Present Inquisitive
Confirmation.
Used to confirm
a previous past inquisitive surprise statement.
Example: Nobody
expects the Spanish Inquisition.
9) Present Green
Dotative (3rd person singular)
Used during the
distribution of green dots to third parties.
Example: `Have
a green dot.' (Repeat.) (A lot.)
10) Future Predicted
Effect Derogatorative
Used when a future
event is going to cause severe problems in a future state, when someone
finds out about past actions.
Example: I'm
going to be severely up shit creek without any nose plugs when XXX finds
out what I did to his YYY
11) Future Director's
Optimistic Unrealistic.
Used in situation
of extreme unrealism by high ranking officials.
Example: The
system will be on-line by the end of the month.
12) Present Situation
Dependant Laxative
Used when face
to face with a large brown bear, in the present.
Example: Oh Shiiiiiittt!
13) Past, Present
And Any Foreseeable Future Expletive Environmental descriptive.
Used for a continuous
state of environmental affairs that no-one is prepared to do anything about.
Example: It is/was/will
be too bloody hot in this office.
14) Past Expletative
Environment Descriptive Gloatative
Used when expletative
present tense is no longer needed due to alternative arrangements.
Example: It was
too bloody hot in my old office, but now I don't care, Ha, ha.
14) Past/present/future
Unknown Quantity.
Used when it
doesn't matter what tense you use, because by the time the message arrives,
it will be out of date.
Example: Someone's
buggered our network lines and who knows how long this message will take
to get to you.
15) Delayed Repeated
Past
Used when an
event in the past has been repeated after a long delay.
Example: Wow
it's finally arrived, but why were there two 14's?
16) Present Refrainative
Completed
Used when the
present action has to be stopped immediately.
Example: I'm
no good at this, I can't think of any more.
17) Past Perfect
Completed Unfinished Insultative.
Used in attempted
re-actionning a past completed but unfinished action, using insulting methods.
Example: Yes
you can, you lazy bastard.
18) Vulgar Provocative
Used to stimulate
situation of hand to hand combat.
Example: Did
you call my pint a poof?
19) Vulgar Acceptative
Used to accept
the premise of a previous vulgar provocative.
Example: Yeah,
and wot you gonna do about it, mate?
20) Past Emphasised
Inquisitive
Used in cases
of severe misunderstanding a recent past event.
Example: What
the _FUCK_ was that??
21) Present Disassociative
Used when the
first person becomes disassociated with respect to a noun.
Example: My luggage
is landing where??
22) Present Comprendative
Erroneous Exagerative
Used when relating
the claim of understanding to a third person, when the first person is
aware to the contrary.
Example: Yes,
of course I understand it. Do you think I'm stupid or something?
23) Past Pissed
Participle
Used for lying
after drinking too much.
Example: Are
you sure it was me that dropped my trousers?
24) Recognative
Avoidative
Used to warn
a third person when recognising another third person, that has not reciprocated
the recognition.
Example: Quick
look away! XXX is over there but he hasn't seen us!
25) Supported
Lusative
Used for situations
requiring extreme sarcasm designed to pass by completely a third person
luser.
No Sir, you'll
find the 'any' key on the same ring as your car keys.
26) Completely
Thick Tents
Used by people
who haven't really got a clue.
Example: I bought
two tense to go camping in.
27) Lunar Stickative.
Used to express
severe greed.
Example: You
want the moon on a stick you do!
28) Televisic
Repetitive
Used when quoting
expressions heard on a televisual emission.
Example: You
want the moon on a stick you do!
29) Oriental Translatative
Used primarily
for the translation of Japanese instruction manuals into English.
Example: Put
press button play mark back over rabbit section 7 see.
30) Conservative
Respondative
Used by Conservative
MPs when responding to House of Commons questions.
Example: I never
saw the memo regarding...
31) Conservative
Correctative
a) Used by Conservative
MPs when correcting previous responses to House of Commons questions.
Example: It turns
out that I may have seen the memo, but I didn't consider it in the public
interest to reveal this.
b) Used by Conservative
MPs in general social situations.
Example: YES!
YES! Whip me harder! AAhhhhh!
32) Labour Manifestative
Used for statements
made in a Labour party manifesto.
Example: We are
in favour, not in favour, in favour, not in favour, in favour, not in favour,
erm...
33) Mulderan Explanative
Used when something
requiring a logical explanation is given a completely outrageous one, usually
involving aliens.
Example: I know
it looks like a simple mugging, but I think an alien was the perpetrator.
34) Scullyan Explanative
Used when something
requiring a outrageous explanation is given a completely normal one.
Example: OK,
so the bones are made of a compound not found on Earth, and I did see the
body fall out of what appeared to be a UFO, making strange warbling noises,
and there was two hours that I can't account for, and I do have these strange
marks on my leg, but I think it was because someone put Vodka in my tea.
35) Brockian Apologetic
Only ever used
in the game of Brockian Ultracricket, to apologise from a safe distance.
Example: TTHHWWACCKK!.......................Sorry!
36) Reintegrated
Repetitive
Used when complaining
about repeatedly having to reintegrate changes because they keep getting
superseded.
Example: Oh look,
I've got to completely merge all my changes again. Goody goody gum drops.
37) Aquatic Surrealative
Used when describing
floating peaches misty tree rolls over gently in an watery scene.
Example: Fish.
38) Meteorological
Paulative
Used to describe
a state of meteorological affairs in a channel 9 situation.
Example: Scorchio!
39) Creative Obstructive
Used as an excuse
for the grinding to a halt of the created thought processes.
Example: I feel
the need to sharpen all my pencils.
40) Pre-thrash
Introductive
Used to sing
the first 20 seconds of a thrash metal single, to prove the singer can
sing and the band can play, before they launch into the head banging section.
Example: I was
walking the in the park, the other day, when I met a man with a big guitar.
He said TTWAANGGG YYEAAAAHHHHH TWANNNNGGGGG CRAAAASSHHH AND BUUURRRRRNNN
BAAABBY BUURRNNN...
41) Origamic Foldative
A tense used
to describe how to fold a piece of paper into a complex geometric shape,
which always produces something that looks like a paper aeroplane, (but
not quite).
Example: Take
the left hand corner of the bottom fold over the right lower left side
to the back to the previous fold and twist ninety degrees clockwise.
42) Universal
Vulgar Provocative
Only used by
loose tongued people, such as Zaphod Beeblebrox in situations of extreme
provocation.
Example: Oh Belgium
man! Belgium!
43) Telephonic
Incomprehensitive
Only ever used
in the writing of phone messages that you find on you desk when you return
and are totally incomprehensible.
Example: Toierdrgdsg
called, she wants a tree know about it, you can. Perhaps not running. Call
him back yesterday on 0181 433something.
44) Negative Marvative
Used to emphasise
a negative state of mind, with the intention of passing on that state on
to a third party.
Example: I think
you should know, I'm feeling very depresses - Marvin the Paranoid Android
45) Scific Discursive
Only ever used
to debating the finer points science fiction films, usually involving time
travel.
Example: But
if Quarlon had taken the transmodulator in his first passage through the
temporal vortex, he wouldn't have known about the photon loop-back phase
inducer!
46) Pornographic
Technical
Used when analysing
the technical aspects of a pornographic film, to make it look like the
author was only interested in that, and not in the actual contents.
Example: It's
better than `Supreme penetrations.' Better photography anyway.
47) Informatic
Programative
Only ever used
between two programmers to describe a program.
Example: If we
post-increment the loop counter instead of pre-incrementing the pointer
the array overshoot
malloc problem
will be cured.
48) Post-infantive
Televisual
This tense is
often used as postscript to a sentence issued by a children's TV presenter,
once the microphone has been faded down.
Example: And
that's the end of children's TV for today, so if you're good boys and girls
I'll see you here tomorrow!.... worse fucking luck.
49) Past Smarmy
Gitative
Used to piss
people off.
Example: I got
a 4.5% pay rise last week and I've only been here 4 months.
50) Spacial Orientatative
Only ever used
when giving directions to someone in the street.
Example: You
take the left up the back end and round the corner past the right corner
on the left straight on back past the roundabout back the way you came,
third on the right, and straight ahead. You can't miss it.
51) LaForginate
Adjustive
Only ever used
by engineers in Star Trek when adjusting something that should have been
adjusted correctly in the first place.
Example: Captain;
If I can remodulate the phase inducer, I may be able to increase it's range
by ten percent, thus preventing Quarlon from knowing about the photo loop-back!
52) Textual Emailic
Lazative
A tense only
ever used in email, when you can't be bothered to type.
Example: R U
in N E 1?
53) Post Opening
Nervousic
This tense is
characterised by the nervous laugh added after the question mark in an
opening chat-up line.
Example: Can
I drink you a buy? heh heh?
54) Musical Stretchative
Used to make
one syllable scan over four notes in the third verse of a piece of music,
as the author can't think of a better word.
Example: I-yi-yi-yi
n-ee-ee-ee-d you!
55) Cornish First
Person
Used to try to
make people think you come from Cornwall by mixing the first and third
persons.
Example: I be
going out today.
56) Post Exertive
Used in any mode
of speech directly after strenuous exercise.
Example: I uhh
thinkuhhh I uh over uh diduh ituh bituh.
57) Discoteque
Augmented
This tense is
required for any conversation held in a disco (especially one as loud as
Kudos, and involves placing your mouth right next to someone's ear and
using severe hand signs.
Example: I SAID
"I CA-N'T HE-AR WH-AT Y-OU A-RE SAY-ING!" WH-AT?
58) Repeated Reassertive
This tense is
only ever used in two situtations: When trying to explain something to
someone with a negative IQ or when trying to sound like you live in south
London.
Example: So go
up 'ere righ'? Then you take the left righ'? Look across the road righ'?
Go right righ'?
59) Telephonic
Affirmative
Used when talking
(or rather listening) to someone on the phone, who you've got no idea what
they've been jabbering on about for the past half hour, and they have no
intention of stopping.
Example: Yeah...
yeah... yeah... no... yeah... um... yeah...
60) Infantile
Descriptive
Used when describing
a baby to itself, involving repeated syllables, with differing first letters.
Who's a luvlywuvlybuvly
babywaby thenwhen?
61) Meteorological
Britanic
Only ever used
in Britain to describe in very obvious detail the current meteorological
situation.
Example: It's
a nice day isn't it, but they say it may cloud over a bit this afternoon,
with a freshening breeze by this evening?
62) British Rail
Announcive
This is only
ever used by British Rail platform announcers, to enable you to miss your
train.
Example: Theerf
train onk plardoomm un gooflark werzimp gnosh goolar btank minutes late.
63) Obvious Affirmative
Used for stating
something really obvious, just to fill a gap in the conversation.
Example: Oh look,
the wing's fallen off... we're all going to die.
64) Obvious Respondative
Sarcastic
Used to reply
to a previous obvious affirmative statement, with a tinge of sarcasm.
Example: The
wing's fallen off... we're all going to die.
Naaahhhh, really???
65) Obvious Interrogative
Used to ask a
question that you already know the answer to, given a large body of evidence.
Example: Was
that crash the wing falling off?
66) Obvious Negative
Optimistic
Used to question
a previous obvious affirmative statement, in the hope that it will turn
out to be false despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Example: No it
couldn't have been the wing, it must have been someone flushing the toilet.
67) Literary Obscure
A phrase taken
from a literary work that has absolutely no meaning to someone who hasn't
read the work, but is quoted often in front of them by people who have.
Example: Hey
you! Sas that hoopy Ford Prefect. There's a frood who really knows where
his towel is.
68) Usernet Interogative
Future Abusive
This is used
to ask innocent questions in Usernet news articles, which will generate
an abusive response in future articles.
Example: What's
a FAQ?
69) Inuendic Accidental
To convert an
normal tense to an Inuendic Accidental, a previous sentence must be repeated
by a third party, emphasising a previously un-noticed innuendo.
Example: SIXTY
NINE! IN_U_END_DIC! Sounds a bit rude!
70) Geriatric
Relatative
Only ever used
by old relatives to tell, (and re-tell and tell again...) stories that
happened to them in the war.
Example: And
then the sergeant fell out of the tree, still tied to the sheep while the
air-raid siren was going off 'WWOOOOOO-WWOOOO-WWOOOOO'.
71) Geriatric
Reinformative
Used by old relatives
to tell you things you already knew, probably because they told you the
same thing yesterday, or in the previous sentence.
Example: Mrs
Jones, (she's from next door you know) we