2) Past Intended
Not really useful at all. But good for confusing people.
Example: I didn't have a pay rise yet.
Used for re-affirming a past action.
Example: Yes, I did bloody do it, did, did, did.
4) Past Confusative
Used for getting a batter pay rise.
Example: I did it Boss! Meaning: Someone else did it but I want the credit for it.
5) Past Reflexive
Used for removing batter from one's body, placed there in the past.
Example: I want a batter pay rise.... I've got it...
Excuse me while I remove this batter that was placed here in example 4.
6) Present Sarcastic
Used to re-emphasise a past deficient action by a third party.
Example: (See example 5)
7) Past Inquisitive
Used when someone turns up unexpectedly, who you haven't seen for over 300 years, and has a strange line in headgear.
Example: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
8) Present Inquisitive
Used to confirm a previous past inquisitive surprise statement.
Example: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
9) Present Green
Dotative (3rd person singular)
Used during the distribution of green dots to third parties.
Example: `Have a green dot.' (Repeat.) (A lot.)
10) Future Predicted
Used when a future event is going to cause severe problems in a future state, when someone finds out about past actions.
Example: I'm going to be severely up shit creek without any nose plugs when XXX finds out what I did to his YYY
11) Future Director's
Used in situation of extreme unrealism by high ranking officials.
Example: The system will be on-line by the end of the month.
12) Present Situation
Used when face to face with a large brown bear, in the present.
Example: Oh Shiiiiiittt!
13) Past, Present
And Any Foreseeable Future Expletive Environmental descriptive.
Used for a continuous state of environmental affairs that no-one is prepared to do anything about.
Example: It is/was/will be too bloody hot in this office.
14) Past Expletative
Environment Descriptive Gloatative
Used when expletative present tense is no longer needed due to alternative arrangements.
Example: It was too bloody hot in my old office, but now I don't care, Ha, ha.
Used when it doesn't matter what tense you use, because by the time the message arrives, it will be out of date.
Example: Someone's buggered our network lines and who knows how long this message will take to get to you.
15) Delayed Repeated
Used when an event in the past has been repeated after a long delay.
Example: Wow it's finally arrived, but why were there two 14's?
16) Present Refrainative
Used when the present action has to be stopped immediately.
Example: I'm no good at this, I can't think of any more.
17) Past Perfect
Completed Unfinished Insultative.
Used in attempted re-actionning a past completed but unfinished action, using insulting methods.
Example: Yes you can, you lazy bastard.
18) Vulgar Provocative
Used to stimulate situation of hand to hand combat.
Example: Did you call my pint a poof?
19) Vulgar Acceptative
Used to accept the premise of a previous vulgar provocative.
Example: Yeah, and wot you gonna do about it, mate?
20) Past Emphasised
Used in cases of severe misunderstanding a recent past event.
Example: What the _FUCK_ was that??
21) Present Disassociative
Used when the first person becomes disassociated with respect to a noun.
Example: My luggage is landing where??
22) Present Comprendative
Used when relating the claim of understanding to a third person, when the first person is aware to the contrary.
Example: Yes, of course I understand it. Do you think I'm stupid or something?
23) Past Pissed
Used for lying after drinking too much.
Example: Are you sure it was me that dropped my trousers?
Used to warn a third person when recognising another third person, that has not reciprocated the recognition.
Example: Quick look away! XXX is over there but he hasn't seen us!
Used for situations requiring extreme sarcasm designed to pass by completely a third person luser.
No Sir, you'll find the 'any' key on the same ring as your car keys.
Used by people who haven't really got a clue.
Example: I bought two tense to go camping in.
27) Lunar Stickative.
Used to express severe greed.
Example: You want the moon on a stick you do!
Used when quoting expressions heard on a televisual emission.
Example: You want the moon on a stick you do!
29) Oriental Translatative
Used primarily for the translation of Japanese instruction manuals into English.
Example: Put press button play mark back over rabbit section 7 see.
Used by Conservative MPs when responding to House of Commons questions.
Example: I never saw the memo regarding...
a) Used by Conservative MPs when correcting previous responses to House of Commons questions.
Example: It turns out that I may have seen the memo, but I didn't consider it in the public interest to reveal this.
b) Used by Conservative MPs in general social situations.
Example: YES! YES! Whip me harder! AAhhhhh!
32) Labour Manifestative
Used for statements made in a Labour party manifesto.
Example: We are in favour, not in favour, in favour, not in favour, in favour, not in favour, erm...
33) Mulderan Explanative
Used when something requiring a logical explanation is given a completely outrageous one, usually involving aliens.
Example: I know it looks like a simple mugging, but I think an alien was the perpetrator.
34) Scullyan Explanative
Used when something requiring a outrageous explanation is given a completely normal one.
Example: OK, so the bones are made of a compound not found on Earth, and I did see the body fall out of what appeared to be a UFO, making strange warbling noises, and there was two hours that I can't account for, and I do have these strange marks on my leg, but I think it was because someone put Vodka in my tea.
35) Brockian Apologetic
Only ever used in the game of Brockian Ultracricket, to apologise from a safe distance.
Used when complaining about repeatedly having to reintegrate changes because they keep getting superseded.
Example: Oh look, I've got to completely merge all my changes again. Goody goody gum drops.
37) Aquatic Surrealative
Used when describing floating peaches misty tree rolls over gently in an watery scene.
Used to describe a state of meteorological affairs in a channel 9 situation.
39) Creative Obstructive
Used as an excuse for the grinding to a halt of the created thought processes.
Example: I feel the need to sharpen all my pencils.
Used to sing the first 20 seconds of a thrash metal single, to prove the singer can sing and the band can play, before they launch into the head banging section.
Example: I was walking the in the park, the other day, when I met a man with a big guitar. He said TTWAANGGG YYEAAAAHHHHH TWANNNNGGGGG CRAAAASSHHH AND BUUURRRRRNNN BAAABBY BUURRNNN...
41) Origamic Foldative
A tense used to describe how to fold a piece of paper into a complex geometric shape, which always produces something that looks like a paper aeroplane, (but not quite).
Example: Take the left hand corner of the bottom fold over the right lower left side to the back to the previous fold and twist ninety degrees clockwise.
Only used by loose tongued people, such as Zaphod Beeblebrox in situations of extreme provocation.
Example: Oh Belgium man! Belgium!
Only ever used in the writing of phone messages that you find on you desk when you return and are totally incomprehensible.
Example: Toierdrgdsg called, she wants a tree know about it, you can. Perhaps not running. Call him back yesterday on 0181 433something.
44) Negative Marvative
Used to emphasise a negative state of mind, with the intention of passing on that state on to a third party.
Example: I think you should know, I'm feeling very depresses - Marvin the Paranoid Android
45) Scific Discursive
Only ever used to debating the finer points science fiction films, usually involving time travel.
Example: But if Quarlon had taken the transmodulator in his first passage through the temporal vortex, he wouldn't have known about the photon loop-back phase inducer!
Used when analysing the technical aspects of a pornographic film, to make it look like the author was only interested in that, and not in the actual contents.
Example: It's better than `Supreme penetrations.' Better photography anyway.
Only ever used between two programmers to describe a program.
Example: If we post-increment the loop counter instead of pre-incrementing the pointer the array overshoot
malloc problem will be cured.
This tense is often used as postscript to a sentence issued by a children's TV presenter, once the microphone has been faded down.
Example: And that's the end of children's TV for today, so if you're good boys and girls I'll see you here tomorrow!.... worse fucking luck.
49) Past Smarmy
Used to piss people off.
Example: I got a 4.5% pay rise last week and I've only been here 4 months.
50) Spacial Orientatative
Only ever used when giving directions to someone in the street.
Example: You take the left up the back end and round the corner past the right corner on the left straight on back past the roundabout back the way you came, third on the right, and straight ahead. You can't miss it.
Only ever used by engineers in Star Trek when adjusting something that should have been adjusted correctly in the first place.
Example: Captain; If I can remodulate the phase inducer, I may be able to increase it's range by ten percent, thus preventing Quarlon from knowing about the photo loop-back!
52) Textual Emailic
A tense only ever used in email, when you can't be bothered to type.
Example: R U in N E 1?
53) Post Opening
This tense is characterised by the nervous laugh added after the question mark in an opening chat-up line.
Example: Can I drink you a buy? heh heh?
54) Musical Stretchative
Used to make one syllable scan over four notes in the third verse of a piece of music, as the author can't think of a better word.
Example: I-yi-yi-yi n-ee-ee-ee-d you!
55) Cornish First
Used to try to make people think you come from Cornwall by mixing the first and third persons.
Example: I be going out today.
56) Post Exertive
Used in any mode of speech directly after strenuous exercise.
Example: I uhh thinkuhhh I uh over uh diduh ituh bituh.
This tense is required for any conversation held in a disco (especially one as loud as Kudos, and involves placing your mouth right next to someone's ear and using severe hand signs.
Example: I SAID "I CA-N'T HE-AR WH-AT Y-OU A-RE SAY-ING!" WH-AT?
58) Repeated Reassertive
This tense is only ever used in two situtations: When trying to explain something to someone with a negative IQ or when trying to sound like you live in south London.
Example: So go up 'ere righ'? Then you take the left righ'? Look across the road righ'? Go right righ'?
Used when talking (or rather listening) to someone on the phone, who you've got no idea what they've been jabbering on about for the past half hour, and they have no intention of stopping.
Example: Yeah... yeah... yeah... no... yeah... um... yeah...
Used when describing a baby to itself, involving repeated syllables, with differing first letters.
Who's a luvlywuvlybuvly babywaby thenwhen?
Only ever used in Britain to describe in very obvious detail the current meteorological situation.
Example: It's a nice day isn't it, but they say it may cloud over a bit this afternoon, with a freshening breeze by this evening?
62) British Rail
This is only ever used by British Rail platform announcers, to enable you to miss your train.
Example: Theerf train onk plardoomm un gooflark werzimp gnosh goolar btank minutes late.
63) Obvious Affirmative
Used for stating something really obvious, just to fill a gap in the conversation.
Example: Oh look, the wing's fallen off... we're all going to die.
64) Obvious Respondative
Used to reply to a previous obvious affirmative statement, with a tinge of sarcasm.
Example: The wing's fallen off... we're all going to die.
65) Obvious Interrogative
Used to ask a question that you already know the answer to, given a large body of evidence.
Example: Was that crash the wing falling off?
66) Obvious Negative
Used to question a previous obvious affirmative statement, in the hope that it will turn out to be false despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Example: No it couldn't have been the wing, it must have been someone flushing the toilet.
67) Literary Obscure
A phrase taken from a literary work that has absolutely no meaning to someone who hasn't read the work, but is quoted often in front of them by people who have.
Example: Hey you! Sas that hoopy Ford Prefect. There's a frood who really knows where his towel is.
68) Usernet Interogative
This is used to ask innocent questions in Usernet news articles, which will generate an abusive response in future articles.
Example: What's a FAQ?
69) Inuendic Accidental
To convert an normal tense to an Inuendic Accidental, a previous sentence must be repeated by a third party, emphasising a previously un-noticed innuendo.
Example: SIXTY NINE! IN_U_END_DIC! Sounds a bit rude!
Only ever used by old relatives to tell, (and re-tell and tell again...) stories that happened to them in the war.
Example: And then the sergeant fell out of the tree, still tied to the sheep while the air-raid siren was going off 'WWOOOOOO-WWOOOO-WWOOOOO'.
Used by old relatives to tell you things you already knew, probably because they told you the same thing yesterday, or in the previous sentence.
Example: Mrs Jones, (she's from next door you know) we